At some point this season, Stephon Marbury will be a free agent. I’m not sure why to be honest. If he won’t take a pay cut for his reported buy out, why not just keep him on your inactive list and refuse to allow him anywhere near the team? I don’t understand why you actively seek to release a player who is good enough to hurt you if he chooses to sign with a division rival. I know the Knicks have basically thrown up the white flag for this year and the next, but why risk it? Listen, don’t stomp all over tradition. No real New York fan wants to see Boston, Chicago, or Philadelphia do well. Actually, they probably hate Pat Reilly teams like the Heat too.
As for people who find him a distraction, I still ask how that is a bad thing—especially now that Marbury doesn’t travel with the team. Every question asked to the team about Marbury after practice or a game is a game not asked about how many holes the team now has (and trust me when they have seven guys suiting up, they have plenty of holes.) Now, if this was a team that had a great chance to make the playoffs or contend for the championship, then sure get rid of Marbury so that the media can focus on how good this team is and hype up their average players which will make more free agents sign when they can. This team sucks, however; That five hundred record won’t last very long when you have a seven man rotation and at least four of those guys are terrible (sorry Al Harrington, Quentin Richardson, Anthony Roberson, and Tim Thomas, but your stats are from playing so much that you have to get them. That is it.) My point again being that every Marbury question they have to answer is one that doesn’t have to do with them. Quentin Richardson who recently threw Marbury under the bus is going to be much worse off without Starbury around. Richardson, would you rather get to joke around with the media about how much Marbury is crazy or would you not have him around and get grilled about how much you suck? Eddy Curry, would you rather talk about Marbury or your big, fat ass? Let’s not kid around about this; basketball means a ridiculous amount for the people of New York, and if you suck, even if you’re not Isaiah Thomas, hundreds of thousands of people are going to hate you. It is really that simple. Isn’t it better to have all their anger (and the Knicks haven’t been good for a while, so there is a lot of anger out there) directed toward a player not involved with your team rather than the terrible team that you are a part of?
Still, for whatever reason, Marbury will be gone. So let’s take a look at every single team out there and see how likely it is that they’ll sign him. One thing to keep in mind is that a sturdy back up point guard will cause teams to shy away from signing Marbury, because even if he is worse than the Starbury, at least he knows the offense, which is huge for point guards. By the way, if you notice the order, it is also my power rankings so far:
30. Oklahoma City Thunder: record of 2-19: This team needs NBA players. Stephon Marbury is an NBA player. So yeah, there is a fit here, but ultimately I see them avoiding him, because they’re afraid Marbury could have a negative influence on Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook. So instead the only influences those two will have are: lots of losing, the whole Seattle hates this team factor, and a whole new home crowd to be alienated by all kinds of losing. So uh, good luck guys.
29. Golden State Warriors: record of 5-15: Would Stephon Marbury fit here? No, this team has too many guards. However, they do need a power forward, and according to Don Nelson, Stephon Marbury might just be that power forward. Hidden in this team’s awfulness is how good Andris Biedrins has looked.
28. Minnesota Timberwolves: record of 4-15: You know if Kevin McHale gets really desperate, he’ll hire Marbury to be his player-coach.
27. Los Angeles Clippers: record of 4-16: I’m still not sure why Mike Dunleavy signed off on the Baron Davis experiment. He probably didn’t, but now that he has full control of the front office, there is no way that Marbury becomes a Clipper. Personally, I don’t think Marbury minds that very much, even if it means he loses a chance to star in one of Baron Davis’s funny viral videos. Yeah, I’m a pretty big fan of Baron Davis still even though the Clippers being so terrible is partly his fault. Here he is making Chris Bosh his bitch.
26. Sacramento Kings: records of 5-16: If Marbury came over here, he would have to play one of the swing positions, because the Kings are so weak in that area that Donte Green an uberly raw rookie is getting heavy minutes for them. Who is Donte Green? Exactly. Anyway, Marbury probably avoids this team as well because quite frankly (yeah Steven A. Smith isn’t the only one who says it) this team has such little hope on the horizon. This team needs a point guard like Stephon Marbury during his all star years to run the break constantly and get up and down the floor while utilizing the talents of Kevin Martin, John Salmons, and maybe even Jason Thompson. Unfortunately, like I said, this team has so many injuries that the only people running the break with Marbury if he joined now are Beno Udrih, the aforementioned Greene and Spencer Hawes.
25. Washington Wizards: record of 3-15: Stephon Marbury would be a nice fit here. This team won 2 games in its last 7, which would is only good because they went 1-10 before that. No one has anyway idea if Gilbert Arenas is ever going to recover from his injury (which would be a huge shame by the way.) Antonio Daniels is hobbled by an injury as well. So why not take a chance with Stephon Marbury? The team is focusing
24. Charlotte Bobcats: record of 7-13: You have to give Larry Brown some credit here. This team is so low on talent that Adam Morrison is getting a fair amount of minutes. Speaking of Larry Brown, the only way Stephon Marbury gets on this team is if Michael Jordon executes Brown like Michael Corleone killed Captain McCluskey in the Godfather. Any other way, and its just not happening.
23. Memphis Grizzlies: record of 5-15: That OJ Mayo is something isn’t he? No rookie has averaged this many points since Allen Iverson 11 freaking years ago. That means he’s outscoring Lebron, Wade, Carmelo, Bosh, Durant, and everyone else during that period of time. To top it off, he is only going to get better. So yeah, rest of the league, this team might not be so low forever. As for Marbury, no he has no chance here.
22. Philadelphia 76ers: record of 9-12: This team needs and outside shooter. Stephon Marbury can shoot from the outside. They also have a trading piece in Andre Miller. Should they trade Andre Miller for a shooting guard who can shoot? Then suddenly you have Stephon Marbury, and another shooter to space the floor for Elton Brand. This isn’t going to happen by the way because Andre Miller is too well liked and the fans would hate it at first. So instead these Sixers are going to suck because no one Elton Brand kicks it out to out of a double team can hit a shot outside of 15 feet. Oh, but its ok, because Elton Brand is now hurt.
21. New York Knicks: record of 9-11: Hmm, now that the Knicks are officially pissing away the next two seasons. What the hell are Knicks fans supposed to do in the mean time? I would recomend jumping on to the Giant’s band wagon, and after that uh learning how to sew or something. It is going to be a long two years.
20. Toronto Raptors: record of 8-11: This is where Marbury goes if he is truly serious about Italy and wants to be apart of the closest thing to European ball in the NBA. By the way, I showed a video of Chris Bosh looking foolish against Baron Davis. Here is a clip of Chris Bosh getting revenge.
19. Chicago Bulls: record of 9-11: Well this all depends on Derek Rose. Kirk Hinrich is done being effective for the Bulls. If Derrick Rose keeps needing 10 stitches every time he eats an apple in bed, then Marbury might be a good replacement. However, if Rose can keep it together and stop cutting him self with kitchen knives and win the rookie of the year award (looks almost guaranteed,) then Marbury should look elsewhere for more minutes and wins (because this supporting cast is awful. In fact, this is where Ben Wallace went to die…or retire…well he came here to do something, but it sure wasn’t to play well.)
18. Milwaukee Bucks: record of 9-13: Scott Skiles is amazing isn’t he? He takes teams with zero chance to do anything before they get him to become respectable. This team has a nice core to build around. Marbury won’t come here as long as Ramon Sessions is doing so well. At least that’s what I hope, because I really like Ramon Sessions.
17. Indiana Pacers: record of 7-13: Stephon Marbury is better than Travis Diener and Jarret Jack. This team is looking for a spark because it knows it can beat the elite (wins over Houston, LA, and Boston) and lose to the dregs of the league as well (Memphis and Charlotte.) Stephon Marbury should be that spark but he won’t be because the people of Indiana are scared of black people (just kidding! Maybe)
16. Miami Heat: record of 11-9: Many people cross this off as a destination because Mario Chalmers is playing so well as a rookie, but what people forget is that Mario Chalmers is backed up by Chris Quinn, and Chris Quinn is as reliable as a uh…ok I can’t think of a good metaphor here so I’m going to be blunt. Chris Quinn is terrible and belongs in the D-league. He is so bad he makes Kenyon Dooling (see below paragraph) look good and that is really, really, really saying something.
15. New Jersey Nets: record of 11-8: Devin Harris, who has solidly reached all star status this year, is backed up by Kenyon Dooling. That’s like getting your car fixed and then vowing to protect it with…fire? Dooling is awful, and Marbury would be a huge upgrade.
14. Atlanta Hawks: record of 12-7: They started off 6-0, and then limped to their current record. This team can’t use Marbury though. They need a forward perhaps, now that Josh Smith is out with an injury, but Marbury would only steal minutes from Acie Law who is young and needs the playing time behind Mike Bibby.
13. Phoenix Suns: record of 12-9: Yes, this would be a great fit. Nash needs a back up who can run the point. Besides any worries of Marbury acting out are nil, because Shaq scares the crap out of NBA players. Amare is unhappy with his touches right now, but he can’t come out and say that because he is so scared of Shaq. So instead he kind of mumbles about how he would prefer a fast breaking team, which makes no sense, because then Nash would have more of an opportunity to get everyone involved and Stoudamire would get less shot then he does in the half court game. Stoudamire probably knows this too, but the fear of Shaq keeps him from saying anything real. The only play to date that I can re call not being afraid of Shaq when he is on Shaq’s team is Kobe Bryant. One player out of like 100. Stephon Marbury is not that player.
12. Detroit Pistons: record of 11-8: Nope. No need to get a poor man’s Allen Iverson (Stephon Marbury) when you’re too busy struggling to integrate a regular man’s Allen Iverson (Allen Iverson.)
11. Dallas Mavericks: record of 11-8: This team is on a run right now, but honestly has no back up for Jason Kidd and is reportedly very interested in Marbury. If I had to bet money on any team actually getting him, I would bet money on Mark Cuban’s. Stephon would be a great edition to the second unit. In fact, if they do sign Marbury, I am going to guarantee that they will be a top six seed in the west and not only make the playoffs but the second round.
10. San Antonio Spurs: record of 11-8: This is a no. With Parker and Ginobili back, part-time starters Roger Mason and George Hill return to the bench. That means Stephon Marbury is relegated to 5th guard status. Besides even if he was the third guard initially, Marbury will stay away from this situation after what happened to another similar guard from last year (Damon Stoudamire was left off the playoff roster for a team that could have used a good back up guard.)
9. New Orleans Hornets: record of 11-6: This is a case of a team letting expectations freak them out. This is the same record the Hornets had last year, and yet everyone is freaking out. They could really use a distraction to loosen them up, and stop them and their fans from over thinking everything. So yeah, Marbury would be perfect for this team as he takes over the role that Jannero Pargo vacated. Nothing says harmless distraction like a man and his 15 dollar shoes.
8. Houston Rockets: record of 12-7: So TMac is out, and lets be honest, Yao Ming is sure to follow at some point. Marbury is definitely better than Aaron Brooks and Luther Head, but really is it even worth it? Even if he is really good, a core of Stephon Marbury, Ron Artest, and Shane Battier (which could happen if TMac never fully recovers and Yao Ming does in fact go down,) won’t get anywhere in the west. Actually, on a slight tangent, how are Houston sports fans not being considered as very tortured? The Rockets always look great on paper before getting injured and losing in the first round, the Astros are terrible, and the Texans were a hot sleeper this year before going down in flames. I will say this. There is an outside chance that Marbury is a huge morale booster as Yao and TMac perk up at the signing of another star player who has played less games then either of them the past three years.
7. Portland Trailblazers: record of 14-6: This is definitely a fifty-fifty coin flip whether the team would even be interested. They do have many decent young point guard prospects on their roster, have the dependable Steven Blake who can easily slide into a back up role should any of those prospects break out, and have Brandon Roy handling the ball late in the fourth quarter. Marbury would be great to have curtail Sergio Rodriguez’s minutes, but remember that the Trailblazers also traded away any malcontents before Greg Oden arrived to make sure they didn’t ruin his work ethic. This is actually pretty debatable, but I’m just going to come out and say they ultimately ignore Marbury and focus on who they do have. By the way, this team is a 7-1 at home, but just 7-6 against the western conference, so it is too early to say this team is actually playoff bound just yet, but things definitely look good.
6. Denver Nuggets: record of 13-6: How happy is Chauncey Billups right now? He went from being in a situation in Detroit where anything short of a championship would have been taken as a monumental disappointment even though that team lost its competitive fire and edge two seasons ago. Now, he’s on a Denver team that has a great chance to win its division, have home court in the first round, and really anything other than a sweep in the first round will be seen by many as a huge improvement. Oh, as for Marbury, as long as Anthony Carter is on the squad, Marbury won’t see minutes, and thus won’t see a contract offer.
5. Orlando Magic: record of 14-5: This team is really patient and just waits for an open three pointer if they cannot get Dwight Howard the ball in position to score. Marbury might mess that up, but honestly, this team is starting JJ Reddick. So, I’m pretty sure this team is very, very interested in signing Marbury even if only as a stop gap until Jameer Nelson returns. Still, this team keeps winning somehow. If they don’t stop, Hedo Turkoglu really deserves to be an all star. He is the glue that keeps that offense chugging along.
4. Utah Jazz: record of 12-8: This is the last one hundred percent no. Marbury probably wants no part of having to play in Utah, and Jerry Sloan wants no part of someone who would play too often outside his system. Plus, the fact that this team has played so well without their best player who happens to be a point guard (Deron Williams) probably further cements the lack of chance of getting Marbury.
3. Cleveland Cavaliers: record of 15-3: If it wasn’t for Mo Williams being added in the off season, this would be a no-brainer. Say what you want about Marbury, but if you give him some freedom with the ball, he is a true playmaker, which is something this team still lacks. Still, this team wants to please Lebron James more than anything else, and I doubt James would be thrilled if they added the guy he feuded with over shoe prices during last summer.
2. Los Angeles Lakers: record of 17-2: The only way that Marbury comes here is if he is so desperate/lazy for a ring that he wants to be a third point guard (and not in the rotation) on the best team in the west. He would definitely fit right in with the whole we can turn it on whenever we want mentality plaguing the Lakers right now. Still, if Marbury does agree to be a third point guard anywhere, it is here in Tinsel town where he has a good chance to get a ring before he goes to Europe.
1. Boston Celtics: record of 20-2: They have no one behind Rondo. Paul Pierce is their best bet behind Rondo right now. No offense Gabe Pruitt and Eddie House, but you guys are terrible point guards. Stephon Marbury would be a great fit here, because the club house atmosphere would keep him in line off the court, and his wanting to repair his image would mostly keep him in line on the court. Besides, is there any chance that this conversation doesn’t happen at some point during the season?
- Doc Rivers: Marbury we’re going to need you to stop forcing the issue so much early on in the offense. Let the game come to you.
- Stephon Marbury: Coach I need the ball even more.
- Rivers: Are you even listening to me?
- Marbury: Want a pair of my new 15 dollar shoes?
- Rivers: Ugh, another player who completely ignores me…Kevin come over here and fix this.
- Kevin Garnett: C’mon Steph. This isn’t Minnesota; this is your chance to win a championship.
- Marbury: I’m the best point guard on the planet.
- Garnett and Rivers: …
- Garnett: Don’t worry coach I got this. Hey Steph, Ubuntu!
- Marbury: Ubuntu?
- Garnett: Ubuntu
- Marbury: Ubuntu!
- Garnett: There you go, coach; we brainwashed him just like we brainwashed everyone else.
- Cue Celtics at least reaching the finals again.