Its time for another Power Rankings! Once again we’ll start in reverse order, and last time’s rankings will be in parentheses after their names (no they won’t be.)
30. Memphis Grizzlies: They’ve lost 10 in a row, and that’s enough to land them the first spot on this list, which means they’re last in the NBA, which means they’re second in…ok I’m confused. How confused? I could swear I saw Lionel Hollins coaching this team for a third time. Yikes, when will this guy take the hint that the team is just not that into him?
29. Washington Wizards: I hope Blake Griffin likes Barack Obama.
28. Sacramento Kings: How good is Kevin Martin? Against the Cavaliers, who boast a top two defense in the league, Martin went off for 35 points, seven rebounds, seven assists, four steals, and a block. If Kobe Bryant had done that, I would have wept tears of joy. Too bad that Martin’s teammates are too young, too old, or too terrible to help him.
27. Los Angeles Clippers: At this point, Mike Dunleavy has to be pulling a George Costanza from Seinfeld and is just trying to get fired so he can move on to his next one. Too bad the Clippers don’t have any championship trophies to be dragged around in the parking lot.
26. Charlotte Bobcats: Gerald Wallace was recently sent to the hospital after a hard foul by Andrew Bynum, and the Bobcats still managed to go into LA and beat the Lakers. The real thing to wonder is: does MJ know about this or was he too busy having the golf game of his life?
25. Oklahoma City Thunder: Sam Presti and Scott Brooks have done a great job. This team is on the verge of becoming the next Portland with its collection of young talent. Most people have been fixated on Minnesota’s strong run, but this team has been at five hundred as well.
24. Toronto Raptors: Chris Bosh cannot get out of here fast enough. Jose Calderon, on the other hand, is stuck here.
23. New York Knicks: Can Lebron James really be good in a system when he can’t shoot from the outside? It is just something to think about. I don’t think anyone cares, but it needs mentioning.
22. Chicago Bulls: Ok, I think even I can finally admit it. Just give Derrick Rose the rookie of the year award already. He’s already averaging about 17 points and 6.5 assists and is slowly turning this team around.
21. Indiana Pacers: Danny Granger deserves to be an all star. Most of the rest of the players deserve to be put out of their misery. I wonder what Jamaal Tinsley is doing. I mean, Marbury has businesses on the side, so I am sure he keeps himself busy, but what the hell is Tinsley doing to kill time? It is probably nothing that I want to know.
20. Golden State Warriors: This season is lost, but thank god Monta Ellis is healthy, right? This is another team that has to be dreaming about adding Blake Griffin.
19. Minnesota Timberwolves: They had an NBA best 10-2 record in January, and for that they get…a worse draft pick. Turns out Kevin McHale, the coach, loves screwing over Kevin McHale the GM too.
18. Milwaukee Bucks: They’re not going to make the playoffs with Michael Redd out for the year with a torn ACL and MCL. That’s a shame, because Scott Skiles had this team playing better than ever and buying into his system. Better luck next year, I guess.
17. New Jersey Nets: They have a good chance to make the playoffs now that Michael Redd is out for the year for Milwaukee. Brook Lopez looks like the type of big man who can be counted on to average 20 and 10 someday. With him and Devin Harris on the team, they should be able to make the playoffs next year without having to count on another team losing their franchise player for the season.
16. Philadelphia 76ers: So, when they were playing small, they were playing well enough to make the playoffs, but no further. Then they added Elton Brand to win in the playoffs, but if he keeps playing for the team, then they won’t make playoffs, all of which means it’s business as usual for the post-Allen Iverson 76ers.
15. Detroit Pistons: The most surprising thing has to be that Allen Iverson is actually trying on defense (and not bad at it either), and that this team is still as streaky as ever. They need to trade either Richard Hamilton or Allen Iverson to make this team work. At the very least, they should start the game off with Iverson on the bench.
14. Miami Heat: Derrick Rose has to hate Michael Beasley. Rose has to make due with passing to Larry Hughes, whereas Beasley can just dump it off to Wade whenever he doesn’t feel like he can make a play. The Heat are actually playing well enough to have a chance to be the number four seed in the east.
13. Utah Jazz: I think this is another example of bad team chemistry hurting a team, except that Jerry Sloan and Deron Williams are good enough to keep the team above five hundred. Either way, it should be understood that whenever you have this many players playing for a new contract (in this, case eight or nine, depending on player and team options,) you’re not going to do well. Everyone is too busy playing for their own stats in order to get a bigger contract.
12. Dallas Mavericks: Now that Mark Cuban doesn’t have to save money in order to try and buy the Cubs, I wonder what he has in store for the Mavericks. That’s really all I have to say about this team…they are not going anywhere.
11. Phoenix Suns: Speaking of not going anywhere, ladies and gentlemen, your 2008-2009 Phoenix Suns! Steve Kerr is trying to get his old job at TNT back as we speak. Steve Nash is probably trying to join him.
10. Houston Rockets: How well has Yao Ming acclimated to life in the NBA? He finally has been rumored to have feuds! Next up: two former strippers come out of the wood works to say that he fathered his child as Ming strongly denies it while drinking champagne in the club right before he makes it rain. I’ll bet China is proud.
9. Atlanta Hawks: The team that took the Celtics to seven games despite being under 500 last year is flying completely under the radar and is on pace to finish as the fourth seed in the east. I know the Celtics would like to avoid them in the playoffs.
8. Portland Trailblazers: Greg Oden is finally playing well, and most of the players are healthy. Now is a pivotal time to see if this team has what it takes to get to the second round this year.
7. Denver Nuggets: According to True Hoop, Chauncey Billups is a +125 so far this year, which is ridiculous. I think he deserves some consideration for MVP with the way he’s going. With him and Melo (if he ever gets healthy), this team should be able to do damage in the playoffs. That being said, I still don’t think they can win a series, but maybe they can beat up whatever team they do face enough to cause that team to be too tired to win in the next series.
6. New Orleans Hornets: At this point, I think Tyson Chandler is hiding with Tupac somewhere, because there is no way the guy masquerading as him is Tyson Chandler. He might look like the guy, but he plays like a CBA player. You know who doesn’t love this? Ben Wallace has to hate the demise of a player who, even in his limited ability, is still better than him. Oh and uh, the Hornets still don’t look like they can get out of the second round.
5. San Antonio Spurs: Is there a chance this team is peaking too early? They normally don’t gel until they’re in the midst of their long rodeo caused road trip. With a team this old, peaking too early means they won’t be able to muster up any energy for the playoffs.
4. Orlando Magic: This team on the other hand is definitely peaking too early. Also, Hedo Turkaglou is the best player on this team, until Howard gets more skills on offense and defense, so why is he not on the All Star team while Lewis, Nelson, and Howard get to enjoy a weekend in Phoenix? I was going to wait until I analyzed the respective all star teams before saying that, but oh my god, this irritates the hell out of me…to be continued…
3. Los Angeles Lakers: This team always does this. They beat a good team at home, become over confident, and then get destroyed by a lesser team due to their arrogance. Wash, rinse, and repeat.
2. Cleveland Cavaliers: Why won’t Lebron James get better at jump shooting? Why won’t he learn post moves? Its like he refuses to do it just to spite me, and yet he still gets better stats than 99 percent of NBA players ever. Mo Williams on the other hand is playing well enough to warrant all star consideration (if any of the players they already picked get hurt.)
1. Boston Celtics: They’re still the champs, should be number one, and should be respected as such…until I stop feeling like it. I guess what I am trying to say is that this is a complete cop out. The top three teams are all interchangeable. So nothing is really definitive. Wow, what a terrible way to end a power rankings…so…any comments or something?